Hello mental health champions, how are you doing?
It has been awhile! Thank you to all of those who stuck with me during my little blogging break. It was a much needed break for my own mental health. As most of you know, I am a full time student and a full time + worker. This means I work at least 40 hours a week, but most times, it ends up being 50+ hours on top of school. And then, I still have my baby, Love-Brain to manage! I am not going to lie to you, it has been quite a lot and I have been beyond anxious, stressed, panicky- all the things. I knew that with work ramping up and finals approaching, it was time for me to take a step back from blogging. I actually want to produce two blog posts a month instead of weekly. It was always a lot to try and do and I think 2 posts monthly is still sufficient enough to help people struggling. I also have written on so many topics over the last year that I hope there is always a resource at your fingertips, should you need it.
With that being said, Yes- I have been a mess. I tend to enjoy being busy because I think in a way it helps to distract me from worry and takes up a lot of space in my mind. I also think that sometimes the “workaholic” lifestyle is partially a result of my OCD and Anxiety. I think this because throughout my life, I always found myself being obsessed with certain things for a certain amount of time and then would work so hard at it that I would eventually crash and burn. I would run myself into the ground and get sick (physically and mentally) and then I would put an end to it. But that wouldn’t last long because then I would find something else and the same pattern would happen over and over. And honestly, I am still in this cycle. I am a very passionate person and I love working. I know to some that may sound crazy and to others, they may know what I mean. I need to feel fulfilled. I am such a go-getter that if I have downtime, I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. I like running a million different things at once and honestly I am pretty good at it. But it can still be so taxing and a lot of times I think I search for validation through my job and achievements since I have never felt good enough. I know I have talked about this feeling a lot but if you’re new here- first off welcome! Second off, I have always struggled with not feeling good enough and feeling like I don’t fit in. I have faced a lot of trauma throughout my life and it has taught me so much. I also think it made me more mature at a younger age. Because of this, I really had a hard time relating to people my age. I did make great friends and relationships and I have “fit in” in different settings but I always felt so different and it was hard. To this day, I have still felt that feeling of wanting to fit in and be like other people my age, but I just really don’t think that is who I am. I do think that my hard worker mentality is somewhat fueled by obsession and the thrill I get from completing tasks and staying busy. I do also think that my hard work is fueled by crippling anxiety. I never want to disappoint anyone and so I take on more and more and more until it’s eventually too much and I have to take a step back. I am learning to try and figure out who I am besides my work because sometimes it feels like my work is my entire identity. When things calm down and are still, I don’t always know who I am. This is the same as athletes that work their whole lives for a sport and get injured. They struggle with an identity crisis of who am I away from sports? That’s how I feel sometimes with work. I become so wrapped up in it and the need and hunger for success that sometimes it takes over my whole identity and it can be hard to know myself away from that. Hopefully that makes sense because I am kind of just rambling here, but I do think that many people with mental health issues face these different hurdles of knowing who they are and then separating their personality from their disorder. I know I am a hardworker because I love it. I wouldn’t work my ass off for a job I didn’t like or care about. But I think sometimes I can take it to the extremes and like I said, I think some of that is because of anxiety and my OCD. I know in my heart I will make it far with my work because I am so passionate and hardworking. But I also have to remind myself to take a break every once in a while and not push myself to the point of no return.
Now with school, I freaking hate it. I am just going to put it bluntly, I don’t like school. I think it is because I have real world experience in my field and most of the classes I have taken don’t represent what the real world of marketing looks like at all. The classes are just full of case studies and analyzing advertisements instead of actually putting things into practice. I sometimes feel like it is a waste of my time because I have learned so freaking much away from school. I know it isn’t and I know how important a degree can be in certain fields, especially this one. But when it comes down to the coursework, I just really am not a fan. One quick note too- DON’T MAJOR IN MARKETING IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT MATH. I always see the “business major” college jokes but I have had a hard freaking time with my Marketing Degree and I am not afraid to admit that. The math is so heavy for this degree and I am awful at math. But once again, I am not becoming a marketing analyst so I really don’t even need the knowledge from those classes. I am close to finally getting my Bachelor’s and I cannot be more excited, but it has been a journey. This semester, I took the hardest class I have ever had to take. I barely passed and when I say I had anxiety every single week trying to do the homework, that is an understatement. I literally started having a panic attack trying to understand the homework- that is how bad this class was. This was putting so much stress on me that I was starting to really spiral. I am so glad that it is over because in my 5 years now working towards my Bachelor’s, I have NEVER had a class this hard. In my other classes, I had a lot of group projects and those were also not great this year. Everyone is so busy and trying to get college students living all different lives to work together outside of class is near impossible. That also put a huge weight on my back.
So in conclusion, I haven’t been doing great mentally. I pushed myself over the edge doing so many things and it made it very hard to stay relaxed and keep my OCD and anxiety in check. I just wanted to remind you all that I am not by any means perfect when it comes to mental health. I know I write a blog and try to uplift people constantly, but that doesn’t mean that my issues are “cured”. Unfortunately, I don’t think they can be. Although I have learned so much and have gotten much better with my mental health, I am definitely still wading through the waters on a daily basis. I do try to do my coping mechanisms but sometimes even that becomes hard. I just want you all to know that just because you may be going through it right now, doesn’t mean it will last forever. I also want you to know that one bad day, week, month, or even year (Friends music is playing in my mind while I write this) doesn’t mean that you have relapsed or that it will get as bad as it used to. It just means you are having a hard time. Maintenance is so important with mental health. Continue to see your counselor even when you think you feel okay, take your meds as directed, practice meditation or exercise, and take time for self care!
Talk to you soon brain battlers, Gracie <3
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