Hello mental health champions, how are you doing?
It is surreal to be writing again and let me just say, I have surely missed it. I used to try to write blogs weekly, then bi-weekly, and then monthly. Life took hold and now here we are 6 months later. Old me would apologize and feel bad for missing so long since I know there are a bunch of you that enjoy this blog (and for that I am so grateful)! However, I preach mental health and for once, I took my own advice. I knew that I was doing too much. My mental health was suffering and so was my physical. As you all probably know- my mental health always seems to dictate my physical health. In January of this year, I started school for the last time. I was enrolled in 5 classes, the hardest classes I would ever take because they were the last classes you take before graduating. Side note: majoring in marketing is so much harder nowadays. A lot of the required courses are management and opps and they are impossible. I knew I was in for a rough semester. I also was working full time and running Love-Brain. In May, I accepted a new job becoming a Marketing Program Coordinator and Mission Manager for an incredible brand. However, I didn’t leave my old job and instead went part time. So I was working full time at my new job, part time at my old job, running Love-Brain (although not very well admittedly), and in 5 classes. To say I had no time and was never so busy in my life, was an understatement. So hopefully with that being in perspective, you can see why I wasn’t able to keep up my blogs. But here I am now- 6 months later. I am now a college graduate, I moved out, and I am still working two jobs and running my business. With college done (thank God), I will have a bit more free time to write and share my life with you.
So to be transparent, things have been very hard lately. There has been a bunch of change and someone with debilitating anxiety doesn’t usually do well with change. Moving out was a massive life change among other massive life changes. I had started a new job, moved out, and was trying to finish school all at one time. It wasn’t sunshine and roses and even if things in your life are a positive change, that doesn’t mean it won’t still impact you. Positive changes are STILL changes and it can almost not even feel like a positive change at first. I was giving myself such a hard time about this. I had always been excited for the day when I would get to move out and have my own things and be with someone I love. However, when we moved in, I felt lost, sad, and quite frankly- really fucking depressed. (I try not to curse on this blog, but if I didn’t curse, it wouldn’t be genuine). It is so sad when you look forward to something so much and then it’s just ruined by depression. I didn’t understand how I could have something I wanted but be so gutted at the same time. I started to overthink every single thing in my life which then just led me to be more sad. I started binging more, I was working from bed most of the day, not moving my body at all, staying in every single night without seeing people and it was beyond rough. The more I worked through these feelings, the more things started to make sense. I spoke with my therapist and I always adore her advice. She told me that a change is still a change whether it’s positive or not. A lot of times life changes are so praised and you see that on social media people are so happy and that’s not always the case. It is OKAY to allow yourself to grieve parts of your life before celebrating new parts. My brain lit up when she explained how grief comes in many shapes and sizes and it isn’t always correlated to death. When you start a new chapter in your life, so many people will describe it as bitter sweet. You rarely hear people just say it was sweet. Changes can also be bitter at first. Think about graduating. I personally didn’t have the total “college experience” because I didn’t go away. But for the people that did- you are living with best friends, partying, and having an incredible time for four years. When that’s over, it is a major change. Some friends that you met may live elsewhere, you may be scared for your life to start outside of school, etc. You feel that grief of that chapter in your life closing and that is an OKAY emotion. My therapist has always said that just because you are having an emotion and feeling it, doesn’t mean you need to get rid of it. My whole life I have tried to get rid of emotions I didn’t like. For example- anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness. They’re unpleasant so I never wanted to experience them and wanted to get over it as quickly as humanly possible. But when I thought that I “got over it” the reality was that I just shut down instead.
My therapist taught me to be OKAY with having those emotions. It’s also okay to not know WHY you’re having these feelings in the first place. When you don’t allow yourself to feel negative emotions, those feelings will just be stored in your body and soul until you burst and that’s not healthy either.
Life is hard and changes are hard. I wanted to just pass some advice along. It’s okay to feel shell shocked by a life change or disappointed by the outcome. My therapist said it’s like the day after a wedding. You spend so much time, energy, and emotion on certain life events that when that change happens, it’s tough.
Beyond moving out, I also graduated college. Although I didn’t have the usual college experience, (as I mentioned above) I still worked my ass off for 5 years to get that degree. Once it was earned, I also felt a little lost. All of the homework I completed and time spent on school that I used before, was now just open and empty time that I didn’t know what to do with. It was yet another major adjustment.
My best advice is to allow yourself time and seek out support from loved ones or professional help when you are going through hard changes and allow yourself to grieve the life you had before. Allow yourself to mourn for the chapter that is closing and then once you’ve worked through those feelings, there WILL be happiness and excitement on the other side for your future chapter- I promise you. And don’t worry about the timeline of that healing and moving on process. It took me over a month to finally feel more like myself again. But now, I am beyond excited to see what this future holds for me and things DO get better with time. If you are going through a life change right now, no matter how big or small it may seem, just know that you are strong, loved, and have every right to have every emotion in the book. I am sending you huge hugs and good vibes. *Virtual big sister hug coming for you through the phone/computer*
I love you all so much and… talk to you soon brain battlers, Gracie <3
Soundtrack to this blog Post: Night Changes by One Direction
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